This has now got to end

Much like Steam Erstwhile, the time has come to plunge a rays tail into the centre area of this blog. It has been an unmitigated disaster from start to finish (and they are so very close). I will not be updating this again. I am sorry if this has caused you both heartache but I reall can't be bothered. Instant gratification, that's what I need. Which is why I'll be posting rubish nobody wants to look at over at http://djoy.tumblr.com/ instead!

So goodbye Blogger. You have been a friend. Albeit one who I couldn't really be arsed bothering with.

STEVE IRWIN
Not dead, Tumbling

Sorry! I thought you said 'JEW'S EAR FUNGUS'!!

Sorry! I thought you said 'FROG'!!

Frog transformation set Price: 3,800 YEN(according to tax)

It is spring new work! They are frog transformation goods! This is a dear frog transformation set. It is made from bright green felt cloth, and the big eye of a frog is attached. Even if it takes, it is finished to the pop impression. Please observe the leg fin wound around a head. Since it can equip also with a hat and head volume on a piece of Velcro, attachment and detachment are easy! >> size (circumference of a head): 22 to 28 cm Frog transformation set "I am a frog." *ZOOM *ZOOM

*ZOOM

The BEST jokes in the world, heather.

I really am a getting into this, 'update AT LEAST once every six months' thing. And with stuff I've already posted elsewhere.

Louise Nielson recently requested a reply to an entry on her blog asking for rubbish jokes. I don't know any. So I supplied the below, side splitting, super jokes. Enjoy, Mr People, enjoy...............

How many times can 1 go into 0? As many times as you like. It can't hear you.

How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb? WHAT!?!? Lightbulbs DON'T kill lesbian!!

If all the deaf people in the world jumped up and down at the same time what would happen? Anything you like, they are ENOURMOUS.

Two biscuits walking down the road. A car stops and the driver asks, "Would you like a lift?". The biscuits reply, "HELP!! We're a 'gonorrhea'"

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Who else?

"Hello, I am your new neighbour. Could I borrow a cup of sugar?"
"Yes, here you go. Please remember to return the cup and be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life.
Revelation, 2. 10. See you later!"

How many postmen does it take to eat a lion? 1. 1 to hold the lightbulb and the other 6 to call Elvis and 'twist' the 'night' 'away'.

E-mail. It's Gods way of telling you you earn too much money.

Where do monkeys cross the road?
To get to the 'Birds Eye' shop.

"Excuse me. Would you mind not breaking wind in the lift?"
"Only for a chocolate biscuit."

Three old men sat on a bench. The first one says, "It's Windy isn't it?". The second replys, "Yes. Yes it is. You know what I am thirsty." The third, "I am thirsty too. Shall we go have a cup of tea."

Sting and a Camel are walking in the desert. Sting turns to the camel and says, "Where I'm from we have some cigarettes named after you!" The camel replies, "Where I'm from we think you a pretentious, interfering twat so if you just shut your mouth and keep walking me and you will get on just fine. Capiche?"

A man comes home from work one day absolutely pissed. He runs into the house and confronts his family in the living room and says, "There will be no Christmas in this house. Get it? Got it? Good!" Then falls asleep on the landing.

You can take a horse to water but don't expect him to thank you. No. Not horses. Ungrateful bastards. And they stink. The bloody French have got the right idea, I tell you.

How many men does it take to make a baby?
4.

If these have been useful, please send donations to: "The Children in Mead Foundation, Mad Michaels Room, His Mums House, Keighley." NO POST DATED CHEQUES. All cheques will be checked and any checks uncovering unchecked cheques will be re-checked. You have been chequed (warned?)

Steve Irwin
22/02/62 - 4/09/06
God Save The Queen

Meme me me me!

I am a lazy swine and do not 'blog' 'as' 'often' as I 'Claudius'.

I am being pestered to update by both of the personalities that read this so due to my lazyness I nicked the following:

Two names you go by: Andy 'The Lampton Worm' Treborsch and The Oakworth Treehouse Strangler

Two parts of your heritage: Cock AND balls

Two things that scare you: Accidentally creating a master race of huge robots who will take over the world and ultimately destroy humanity, moths.


Two things you are wearing right now: A bit thin and my wife down.

Two of your favourite current bands/artists: This one puzzled me a bit. Does it mean bands/artists who are currently on the 'scene' or who I currently like? If the former Klaxons and Jamie T. If the latter Rubin Steiner and Skeewiff. Oh yeah, summat funny about genitals (not mine).

Two things you want in a relationship (other than love): Daddy AND chips. (NB. NOT cock and balls, married, zero gay)


Two truths: All men are created equal and that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Two favourite hobbies: Pyromania and Fireman Sam

Two things you have to do this week: Breath and attend a meeting on Wednesday to 'thrash out' (at that point the phone went dead, that or he had finished telling me).

Two stores you shop at: Poundland and The Original £2 Store (I can't wait for 'Over 2 But Under 5' to open in Super Town (Keighley)).


Two shows you like to watch: Mousetrap and The Death of a Salesman

Two things you'd buy if money were no object: If money were no object what would you hand over to pay for the things you wanted? If it were an object I'd get Upstairs Cuddling and Downstairs Toilet.

Two wishes for 2007: I wish it would just friggin' end and I wish it isn't as fucking tiresome as the previous 35.

As ever, I'd just like to end with a lovely picture ofthe late, great Steve Irwin.

God Rest His Ole

R.I.P Steve Irmine

As you are all probably aware, the great Australian TV personality and naturist, Steve Allen, has died. It happened during the shooting of Eddies Irvine's latest TV venture "The Worlds Heaviset Animals". Stephen was drinking in the "Big Blue Bar and Grill" when, for reasons unknown, he was attacked by a manatee. A scuffle broke out and joined in the melee. After grappling with each other for what seemed like minutes, the manatee turned and fled. It was only then that witnesses realised that Steve had taken a fatal crack to the knackers. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

What better tribute to one of the greatest men whoever lived than an article posted on Shoutwire. Here, fans from around the world have been able to express there, all too clearly, misplaced grief and sorrow for everyone to see.

There are some really touching posts in tribute to Steve 'Croc Hunter' Irskine but I have picked some of the more moving ones to share with you.

Ratacon says:
I have seen alot of famouse people announced on TV that they have passed away. And I never been more pissed off then when I heard about Steve's death. Im going fishing with friends to catch a stingray and im going to cut of his tail and shove the barb into the stingrays center area to see how he likes it. Then release him back in the ocean as a warning to all other stingrays in the ocean. DONT MESS WITH US LAND WALKERS!

VFR03 says:
Flirt with danger and over time your either a hero or ...
In summary he was Entertaining, reckless, true blue, loving parent but shamefully irresponsible to his family.

Releguaie says:
I can only hope that I can die doing what I love, and feel passionate about it like he did. He was a bit goofy at times, and serious, and conveyed his knowledge and almost blind fear towards animals. It was like nothing could hold him down or stop him from doing what he wanted. My sympathies are with his Wife and Two Small Children. Steve Irwin, you are a shining star, even though you are not physically here with us anymore. His death was a shock, but I guess it was his time to go.

(One of my favourites) 24Spike says:
too bad... he still had some things to say...

The next comment, I think, conveys what we are all thinking at this most upsetting time, Orochiko says:
accedents happen and i think steve lived his life to the fullest. all you fuckers out there that say shit like "well if he hadn't taken the risk then he wouldn't have died" well fuck you... if you think about it if he didn't take any risks do you think he would have had the same life? hell no! he did because its somthing he liked to do and its better than doing nothing. oh i think i'll stay home all day there might be a risk of me dieing today! fuck you people steve irwin is a guy who really know the secret to life and that was to have fun no matter what the risk. he did it all for a good cause and thats what counts. *flips off stupid people* you might as well stop sleeping since there a risk of dieing! I would think that going out and doing somthing fun would be 10 fold times better than watching it on tv you fuckers.

I don't think you can ever think of Steve Irwin without thinking about Chuck Norris licking his balls and Pants00 catches the mood perfectly:
its official
steve irwin > chuck norris
steve irwin died like the badass he is, the most painful way possible by pulling out that barb
he is my hero and chuck norris would be lucky enough to lick irwins balls
RIP Mate

And finally, hypercrazyanthony34 captures exactly how I think the whole world is feeling at the moment:
HEY YOU DUMBFUCKWADs GET A LIFE BITCH!!! I MEAN HELLO WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU GET OUT OF ALL OF THE BULLSHIT THAT YOUR SPEWING OUT HERE ON SHOUTWIRE..YOU ARE A DEE DEE DEE!!!
SO YOU DIDENT LIKE STEVE IRWIN, SO WHAT YOU HAVE MORE THAN MADE YOUR POINT NOW MOVE THE FUCK ON. THE MAJORITY OF THE PEOPLE THAT ARE SHOUTING THS DO ACTUALLY LOVE AND MISS STEVE IRWIN. AD I AM ONE OF THEM. SO PLEASE UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT ME TO TRACK YOU DOWN AND COMPLETEY FUCK YOU UP. YOU SEE I AM MENTAL AND I HAVE NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO. WHATS YOUR EXSCUSE.
HYPER!!


R.I.P Steve 'Cripes' Earwig

** Movie Script **

I have written what appears to be a script. Ben will probably be able to tell (and as he is the only bugger who reads this the only one) but see if you can tell how I done it.

A film script by Dave Joy
American Bubba From The Babysitter Jerk Sixth Ashes DEAD Days Later

Scene 1:
Sarah and Alan are in the kitchen with the coathanger and Inspector Gadget

Sarah:I had life inside me. I had life. I have a child. I have a son. I have a son, and his name is Sam, you son of a bitch.
Alan: What the cops never figured out, and what I know now, was that these men would never break, never lie down, never bend over for anybody. Anybody.
Sarah: Now you listen to me, I'm an advertising man, not a red herring. I've got a job, a secretary, a mother, two ex-wives and several bartenders that depend upon me, and I don't intend to disappoint them all by getting myself "slightly" killed.
Alan: Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
Sarah: I am going to show my boobies. Are you here to see my boobies?
Inspector Gadget: GO, GO GADGET TIT SQUEEZING HANDS

Next week, scene 2. Sarah and Alan beating Inspector Gadget to a bloody pulp to the tune of "In The Name of Love" by Steve Allen

What do you even know about owt? YOU MAKE ME SICK.

I overheard the most fantastic argument the other day which I feel warrants my first post in over many times.

My neighbour was 'avin it out with her son the other afternoon and as I am a nosy bastard I couldn't help but listen to it (via the gift of glass against the wall). And it went a little something like this (hit it!).

Mum: "mumble mumble mumble you going to do then"
Son: "Well am not gunna do that any way. GET LOST! I'M NOT DOIN' IT"
Mum:"Well what are you going to do? They've rung up a couple of times now but you're never in!"
Son: "AVE TELD YA! AM NOT DOING IT AN YA CART MEK ME!"
Mum:"So what ARE you going to do? Eh? Lie in bed all day? Wasting your life?"

and THIS is the best retort EVER!

Son: "HOW IS THAT WASTING MY LIFE!?!?"

I laughed until my eyes bled.

BISCUIT FREAKERY

Hello and firstly I am sorry I haven't been here for quite a while but as I viewed at the television on this evening I feel I must ask all who visit this 'blag' for advice.

So here goes. Ben, please view the pictures below and tell me: Is this a 'new' product, a twist on an old one or a biscuit 'remix'.




I'm sure I have had something similar in the past. I think it was about 6 years ago. A guy I worked with, called Richie Askham (if you know Richie, it would be lovely to meet with him again. He lent me £7 once) brought a packet in called, I think Jaspers.

The weren't covered in the choc-o-latte but I could imagine they are very similar.

So I put it to you, Magaret McVitie, that you have run out of ideas and are currently churning out the same sad old confection but with a slightly thicker (or indeed 'a') coating of choco-layt. You TURNIP!

Hope you like the above biscuits. They're from my latest selection: Joys Biscuits For, Married NOT Gay, Cheese.